We all feel sad when we see our dreams wither away, or when we lose someone so close to our heart or for a reason we don't even understand.
You pretend to understand that pain and console me, while in reality, you do not understand a tiny bit of it.
Because simply, you are not me. You do not understand how painful it is. It's so painful that nothing makes the numbness go away.
And so begin the harmful thoughts.
"Failed attempts to feel again."
They're not suicidal per se, they are just failed attempts to make me feel again. In hopes of vanishing or maybe believing the pain would vanish.
You see, all of this is because of pain or regret or loss or anything; anything throughout my life that made me this sad, that triggered this dark side inside of me. I'm afraid of this darkness. I really am.
"It could be anything throughout my life that made me this sad, that triggered this dark side inside of me."
I know what you want to tell me now. You want me to talk about it, don't you? Well, I try. I really do. But, I don't think you will ever understand. I still do though, pretty indirectly, in a way maybe you couldn't decode. I like to think I've excelled in pretending like nothing's wrong; one of the greatest talents I have. You had no idea, did you?
Sometimes, I don't wanna talk about it, or cry, or die. I just want someone to be there, to distract me, to help me not spiral away, to live.
"I just want someone to be there, to distract me, to help me not spiral away, to live."
I am holding my hand out in the dark. Will you take it and guide me for only a little while? So that I don't stumble over and fall off a cliff, feeling lower than I already am. Because I'm scared of that and so, I ask for your help.
Description: Difficult times have always been there, just not as prevalent as right now. Maybe we didn't notice much before, but now we are. Be it in yourself or your loved one's, if you do observe a change in their behavioral patterns or see something off. Try to be there. You don't even have to talk/try to understand. Just. Be. There. I know it's hard, but it's okay. Tell them that it will be. Tell yourself that it will be.
[Image is taken from UnSplash]
Written by Aadhya.